Entangled

Since Saturday morning, I have been experiencing subtle shifts of consciousness. These changes in mindset have urged me toward a desire to alter the circumstances of my life. Toward the end of Saturday's silent retreat, I became aware that I could let go of the ties which had been binding me to more commitments than I could handle, many of which were depleting my life force. I found myself with a blissful awareness that I was no longer attached, and I could move toward greater freedom. I knew that there were other pieces of my life that wanted attention, that filled me with sustaining energy, and yet the obligations- so wrapped up in a desire to prove my worth- were keeping me from living my true self. And so I started the process of letting go of some of my committee responsibilities, in some cases asking others to take on my tasks.

Almost immediately, I have discovered this to be more difficult than it appears. Not only am I contending with my own conflicted feelings—on the one hand, the relief that comes from creating more spaciousness in my time, and on the other hand- guilt that I am letting someone else down, and fear that I will never achieve a measure of success. Ultimately though it is not my own feelings which are the most difficult contender, but rather the recognition that I am entrenched in a web of expectations. I am entangled in a story, perceived by others through this lens, and finding it difficult to write a new one.

It is still early in the attempt, and I will keep trying. Many of the commitments I am attempting to free myself from are related to my involvement in my UU congregation. The experience of burnout is occurring (for what appears to be the millionth time) in my history there, and I have yet again lost my feeling of connection to this community’s purpose. However, my connection to the community itself is strong, in particular to individuals who I have gotten to know personally in more intimate settings than a committee meeting or Sunday service, in places where I feel more free to expose my pain. I have little trust in congregational polity, but every trust in the power of individuals to respond to needs that arise. The shift in my awareness tells me that I might serve this root of love, and let die the weeds of entangling committee work. And yet, the reality is that even shifting the work requires energy, and I am bound by the roots of each commitment.

In the midst of this push and pull, there are personal stories that have shifted as well. I shared Saturday’s meditation day with friends, and this has made the experience more powerful. During the retreat, I longed to express love to the ones in my midst, but recognized our lives cast in a sea of common experience. There were subtle connections- at lunch, the warm grin of a friend over a shared bowl of soup as we attempted to 'obey the rules' and avert our eyes; and afterwards, the many hands who held me when I twisted my ankle on the cobblestone path. Words were spoken then, and pillows and ice offered, and a kind teacher gave me his attention.

In the silence of that hall, I offered loving-kindness to those around me, and felt supported. And since that day, my conversations with each person who accompanied me there have deepened. We have shared our experiences of meditation- the lingering peace we hold in the midst of violence, the ability to observe our pain and not become it, and the karmic roots which bind us to others in a true deep way. The truth is, I am also entangled in another story, one that has elicited feelings of profound love and affection for friends. And it is perhaps this knowledge that a real sangha exists in my life that I feel less compelled to try to create another bound by minutes and bylaws.

The community that holds me is bound by deep listening, silence, and honest sharing, and while some might identify with a similar religious brand, it is not the religion that binds us, but the practice of our shared connection. In this way, I am filled with the joy of entanglement- with the intertwining complexity of karmic roots winding their way in and around our lives.