Retreat...or Restoration?

Retreat is such a fine word. The last time I was scheduled to attend an overnight retreat was the day my father died. Needless to say, I never went. And still, three years later, though I have attended a couple day-long respites, I have not been on an overnight retreat. Had another scheduled last July...ironically, a community-building retreat I hoped would lead to the commencement of a lifelong dream: the creation of a retreat center. But so many life concerns got in the way before we even got our feet off the ground, and the retreat was cancelled.

I try to push the thoughts aside. Life now, here in the present reality, is beautiful the way it is. Is this really what I want: to escape? I feel called to be engaged with the world, to be an active participant in its transformation. Why then, in the midst of prayer, would I imagine this solitary path through a darkened wood? Why would I sit beside still waters and long to remain there in the light of water's reflection for as long as I possibly can?

We exist in this tension perhaps--between the quiet call of solitude and peace, and the cry of those who tug at our sleeves with their needs. Last night, I began a meditation on retreat, only to stop midpoint-- called out by the cry of a child not quite ready for sleep. I laugh at my attempt to bring poetry to the playground, stare at that unopened book, and wonder- what was I thinking? There is a time for retreat-- it's just not now. Now is a time to respond to the needs of those around me.

And yet, in order to respond fully, I must also take care of myself, fill my own heart full of peace and spirit. So perhaps it is not a retreat from life's daily concerns that draws me, but the need for restoration. A wellspring from which I drink in this daily spiritual practice-- and maybe, if given the chance, for a longer period of time.

I think of the words once spoken to me -- "I feel calmed in your presence". (I am sure these words were spoken before I had children!) But they have been repeated by others at moments throughout the years, and made me wonder-- could I create a home, a place of restoration, a wellspring for others? This was the seed for my retreat house dream...

And right now, I am working to create this place in me, not a physical space, but an inner spiritual fountain of restoration. That I might respond more fully to the needs around me; that I might have a calm spirit from which to share.

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Contemplative Poem #7: "The Lake Isle of Innisfree" by William Butler Yeats

The Lake Isle of Innisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.